I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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