Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
