Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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