I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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