You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
In other news, I just burned my penis
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
