therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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