Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
