I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
