Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
