$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
