Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
We have so much sex to catch up on
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
