I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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