I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
