May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
