Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It's shark week go big or go home
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I wear drunk well.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
