Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
