Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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