Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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