So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I am puke
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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