some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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