First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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