I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
