you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
