I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
