I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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