And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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