i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
