I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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