Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
