i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
