I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
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