Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
