my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
