Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
