she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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