U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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