Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
