i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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