How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just gargled with NyQuil
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
