If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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