I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
