Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
you never un-have a 4some
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
