Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
