also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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