I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
