I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize