His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
