I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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