Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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