my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
