oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
