you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
