I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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