I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
