He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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