Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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