This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
