end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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