Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
