ya dads aren't the best wingmen
he puts the penis in happiness.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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