i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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