you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
