my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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